Banned from K-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least .. 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Name That Beer

The brewery held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing.
They advertised over all the airwaves, TV and in all the newspapers.
They received thousands of submissions.

The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries.
Finally they settled on one particular entry -
"Love On A Lake".

The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval.
The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."

The judges located the contestant.
When they asked him for an explanation, he responded,
"Well, love on a lake is f*cking near water.... and that's what this beer tastes like!!"

Poo-jama Party

It was New Year's Eve, I was 8 and our parents had friends to stay over, one of whose kids had a big patch of wee on his Y-fronts at bedtime where he'd not shaken off. I laughed too hard and in my excitement did the loudest, longest fart ever heard and, on inspection, found I'd left a horrid little turd in the back of my Clothkits PJs. My brother broke the news in colourful language to my mum (just serving dinner) in front of her esteemed guests and she had to take off her apron to come upstairs and wipe my arse. So don't laugh too hard at other people's accidents...